Fierce Conversations Revised and Updated. Psychopath Free Expanded Edition. Jackson MacKenzie. Ego Is the Enemy. Ryan Holiday. The Obstacle Is the Way. The Charisma Myth. Olivia Fox Cabane. Robert Greene. Benjamin Hardy. The Laws of Human Nature. The Definitive Book of Body Language. Allan Pease and Barbara Pease. The Art of Possibility. Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. Beyond Reason. Daniel Shapiro and Roger Fisher. Social Intelligence.
Rising Strong. Listen Like You Mean It. Ximena Vengoechea. The Wisdom of the Enneagram. Russ Hudson and Don Richard Riso.
The How of Happiness. Sonja Lyubomirsky. The Law of Success. Napoleon Hill. Win Bigly. Learned Optimism. Martin E. Getting More. Original Title. Other Editions Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Difficult Conversations , please sign up. This book sounds interesting, but I wonder how different it is from Crucial Conversations which is a book I read and enjoyed in Eduard Lopez I didn't read Crucial Conversations.
Difficult Conversations focus on raising your awareness of what's going on outside and inside you so you can bett …more I didn't read Crucial Conversations. Difficult Conversations focus on raising your awareness of what's going on outside and inside you so you can better adjust yourself not to get lost in the emotional state that usually surrounds those types of conversations.
Personally, it has helped me to regulate the approach to these situations and give a mental structure to help in the process. See 1 question about Difficult Conversations….
Lists with This Book. Community Reviews. Showing Average rating 4. Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Dec 04, Slappy rated it really liked it. Difficult Conversations is a how-to self-help book on negotiating conflict in emotionally-loaded discussions between two people. Authored by members of the Harvard Negotiation Project which sounds awfully prestigious , the book is lucid and accessible.
A "difficult conversation," according to Stone et al, is "anything you find it hard to talk about": Sexuality, race, gender, politics, and religion come quickly to mind as difficult topics to discuss, and for many of us they are.
But discomfort and Difficult Conversations is a how-to self-help book on negotiating conflict in emotionally-loaded discussions between two people. But discomfort and awkwardness are not limited to topics on the editorial page. Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated, when issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience the conversation as difficult.
Per the authors, there are three dimensions to a difficult conversation: practical substance "the What Happened conversation" , emotional or inter-personal subtext, and identity or inner-personal subtext. Pointing out something that's both obvious and easy to miss, Stone et al point out that difficult conversations are rarely about what's true so much as they're about what's important, and a lot of trouble can be saved when participants are careful to distinguish between factual claims and value claims.
The What Happened conversation consists of the concrete matter of dispute, such as a friend's drug abuse or a boss' bullying. Stone et al urge readers to keep in mind that facts fit into a story, and disagreements usually stem from different stories rather than conflicting facts. To get past this, it's important to be clear about "what happened" according to you, including the assumptions, values, and past experiences which inform your story; and of course it's just as important to clearly understand the other person's "what happened" story, and where they're coming from.
For example, an undocumented migrant laborer and a member of the Romney clan will have very different life-experiences to inform their views on, say, the police. This doesn't mean both are equally right; it just means that if you want to communicate, you've gotta get clear about what you're saying and what the other person's saying.
Because at bottom, difficult conversations are about feelings. This sounds a little hippie-woo-woo, sure, but when you think about it, what could be more obvious than the fact that emotionally-difficult conversations are difficult because of the emotions at their core. If anger is what's getting in the way of a productive exchange, then you've gotta deal with anger and the brew of other emotions which are almost always simmering underneath it.
And these strong emotions which can make conversations so difficult are connected not only to the other person, but to internal issues of self-image, confidence, and identity. Your correspondent can report that in his own emotional travails, the times when he's gotten pissy and brutal have been only weakly correlated to something shitty the other person did.
When I'm internally okay, it's hard for other people to hurt me. Incidents of pissy brutality strongly correlate, on the other hand, to my own shame, inadequacy, etc. When I'm hurting and desperate, I'll find something to be angry about.
Anger is an easier emotion to handle than self-loathing or incompetence; like a nation which goes to war rather than address domestic inequality, getting pissed off is a way to dodge your own spiritual self-improvement.
So those are the three conversations: the "What Happened" conversation, the emotions conversation, and the identity conversation. The three bleed into each other like pages of a damp sketchpad, with "What Happened" "You tattled on me to the boss" serving as an unconscious metaphor for emotional "I feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and confused" and identity "I fear that other people don't value me or take me seriously" subtext. Again, this all sounds really whiny and touchy-feeling, like a new-age inner-child symposium complete with re-birthing ceremonies and 'Song of Myself' creative re-writes.
But, again, here's the juice: people fundamentally act based on emotion and self-identity. We are not a species of Spocks; we are a species of McCoys. If you want to ignore emotions, you're free to emulate the hollow machismo of Sly Stallone and the GOP; but if you want to have productive conversations about blood-pressure-raising topics, you've gotta address identity and emotions. And if you want to behave rationally, you've gotta manage your emotions first.
You cannot will yourself to emotional balance. This means doing stuff like learning to listen to your own emotions, and thinking hard about which emotions you've learned are appropriate and which are taboo, and thinking about how you've learned to express your emotions. Strategies for hearing where the other person is coming from, and for difficultly conversing in general, include: -Shut up and listen.
Don't pretend to listen, don't interrupt, don't nod while thinking about how you're going to respond. But I'm having a hard time concentrating on what you're saying, because I feel really angry and cornered right now.
Having put that out there, I'd like to try again to hear what you've got to say. Genuinely try to understand where the other person is coming from. Paraphrase what you're hearing from them, to make sure you've got it right. What's at stake for them? What's the cost for them to accept your version of the story? He does this because cigarettes help him deal with stress and depression, and he's afraid of failing if he tries to quit. His sister Joan hates that he smokes because of smoking's health effects, plus she finds cigarettes gross.
Doing this gets all the important pieces out in the open without triggering anyone. Sometimes someone really just needs to be hears: "I hear that you were hurt by what I did.
Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes. Recognize the smorgasbord of facts, observations, values, interpretations, etc.
You know what their impact was; you don't know what their intent was. Own your impact. Figure out how to frame the issue in a way that's accurate and rings true while also allowing you to work toward a solution. The difference between "I'm a useless scumhole junkie" and "I struggle with addiction" is nothing other than framing, but that difference is the basis of recovery.
Does that seem accurate to you? Can you think of what might be causing that? Blame vs. Contribution Don't talk about blame; talk about contributions to the problem.
This is philosophy stuff, but the difference between having caused something vs. Cause is about the chain of events which lead to some outcome. Responsibility or blame is a complex, socially-constructed ethical claim. Think again of a drunk driver who runs over a pedestrian: it's obvious that the driver is responsible or blameworthy for the accident. But it's also obvious that the pedestrian contributed to the accident by walking across the street; similarly, the driver's friends contributed by not doing more to keep him from drinking and driving.
Talking about blame is useful if the goal of the conversation is figuring out who to punish. But if your goal is to problem-solve, then talking about contribution instead of blame frees you from decreeing a judgment and lets you concentrate on the practical question of, "What can we change to fix this in the future? That doesn't mean you shouldn't get angry, just that your anger should be directed toward finding solutions rather than scapegoats.
Also, when you try to raise the issue of contributions during a difficult conversation, own your contributions to the problem first, then explain what you think they contributed. This may take the other person off the defensive and make them more open to hearing about their own contribution, because it signals that you're not trying to cast them as the sole villain. And always make your reasoning explicit: "Here's what I think you contributed, and here's why I think that Let go of trying to control their reaction.
That's outside your power. Prepare emotionally, ahead of time for their response. Imagine yourself in the distant future, to get some perspective on just how important this conversation really is. Take a break if you need it. Learning the other person's story. Expressing your views and feelings. Problem solving together. Convincing the other person it's their fault, thus proving you're an impeccable badass.
Even If You Can't Work It Out Keep in mind that all this hippie-dippy stuff about listening to the other person's story and exploring feelings and reframing blame into contribution doesn't mean you cave into whatever they want you to do.
Contra John McCain, there is a difference between listening to someone you disagree with and consenting to their demands. You can make strong demands on someone without acting like a bully or a blowhard. If you do end up without an amenable solution, be clear about what you're doing and why.
Don't be passive-aggressive; be calm-assertive. As I've said, the pay is better, and I don't feel confident enough about working conditions here for me to stay on. But I appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me View 1 comment.
Aug 08, Otis Chandler rated it really liked it Shelves: business , self-improvement , nonfiction. I read this on a recommendation from a friend who gave it to me on a list of business books to read. But it was so much more. It gives you a great framework for thinking through why people have communication issues - whether in personal or professional relationships. The best piece of advice that stuck with me is to always explain where you are coming from in a discussion.
Sometimes we think its obvious and it isn't, and it always helps the conversation when people I read this on a recommendation from a friend who gave it to me on a list of business books to read. Sometimes we think its obvious and it isn't, and it always helps the conversation when people understand your reasoning.
View 2 comments. Feb 18, Mimi rated it it was amazing Shelves: i-own , non-fiction , life-learnings , have-a-copy , psychology. You know that book that you recommend to everyone because you feel so strongly it can help anyone change their life in profound ways?
This one is mine. It sat in my book pile for years and I would pick it up and put it down. I wish I had truly read it years earlier and I wish the same for you. In case you're wondering, yes I have used what I learned in this book on you. If you're lucky I'll use it on you again in the future. Aug 24, Jaclyn rated it liked it. This book will help anyone get a better handle on tricky interactions. Difficult Conversations provides a solid foundation to understand what contributes to communication meltdowns.
This is easier said that done. As a result, I experienced a lot of frustration as I read this book. Every chapter feels like well-articulated common sense, which makes the difficulty of implementation all the more demoralizing. ADHD adults and other communication-challenged people embarking on this journey will need a partner willing to endure a lot of practice, reflection, and setbacks. That said, Difficult Conversations still provided an indispensable Step One on the path to better relationships.
Tea rated it did not like it Shelves: management , communication-studies , pop-psychology. What a piece of shit book. Ok, so this was touted as THE book to solve the personnel problems at the food coop I used to work at.
My boss, being a corporate minded, new-ager, pop-psychology fan, was told by other managers that if she got the workers to read this book, then problems would practically dissolve. We were asked to read it voluntarily. I was disappointed that I had wasted my time to read it. There are many things I dislike about it.
One is that it speaks in the voice of management--not What a piece of shit book. One is that it speaks in the voice of management--not the voice of workers--who, in my case, it was intended for. This is an insidious way of pushing management speak into the minds of workers in order unconsciously align their thoughts with that of management.
Instead of sitting down with us and having an honest fucking discussion, we were constantly reminded that we're part of the problem too, and that we needed to see things from their point of view. Another issue is that this book bases many of its examples on the use of real power to exploit workers.
An example is in order. The set up is that there is a worker who has been asked to stay and work the weekend after being granted time off: Let's come back to Henry and Rosario. Rosario's the boss. Henry's a valuable employee. If they can't arrive at a solution to the problem of whether Henry will work the weekend, then they each face some choices. This book is based on the premise that we face difficult conversations daily. For example, apologizing to loved ones or telling your boss that you are looking for other jobs.
Daily we have a decision to make: Do we avoid these difficult conversations, or do we tackle them head-on? Various conversations can be considered difficult, and these will depend on the individual.
Difficult conversations are not solely limited to common conversations about sexuality, race, gender, politics, and religion. They can be any conversation that makes us feel vulnerable, awkward, or uncomfortable. These are the conversations that we are likely to put off and leave for another time. For example, returning an item you recently bought can be a difficult conversation.
In the first chapter of this book, the authors outline how each difficult conversation has three hidden conversations underpinning it. This concept is something that the authors noticed after studying hundreds of conversations. Importantly, they also identified that if people can understand the structure of their difficult conversations, they can make them more productive.
These conversations relate to disagreements over what happened or what should have happened. This type of conversation can take many forms. Additionally, every difficult conversation involves those involved wondering whether their feelings are valid. Is it reasonable if the other participant in the conversation does not acknowledge how you are feeling? Emotions must be addressed in the conversation.
The identity conversation is the conversation we have with ourselves. This conversation covers what this situation means to you. With difficult conversations, we often second guess ourselves. We consider whether we are coming across as competent, kind, and lovable.
These conversations involve questioning our identity. We worry these conversations will impact our self-image and our self-esteem. Every conversation involves confronting all three types of conversation.
Each of them underpins difficult conversations and, therefore, we must learn how to manage each type simultaneously. Whether we like to admit it or not, starting a difficult conversation can often be motivated by selfish reasons.
We want to prove a point, give somebody a telling off, or ask something of the other person. However, understanding the mistakes frequently made within the three difficult conversations should help you view them differently.
You will start to appreciate the complexity of the perceptions and intentions you and your fellow conversation participant hold. By doing this, you will no longer be using difficult conversations to deliver a message based on yourself. Instead, you will be sharing information and asking questions.
All in all, your conversation will be moving towards a conversation based on learning. This type of conversation will help you solve the issues surrounding the what happened conversation. You should not approach difficult conversations believing you are correct. Instead, engage in a learning conversation that involves accepting that each participant will bring different information and perceptions to the table.
Each of us has essential information that we are unaware of. The goal of these difficult conversations should be to explore these differences productively. It is often easy to finish a difficult conversation confused about how irrational the other person is without considering their perspective.
You must learn to accept that the other participant is a different person with different perspectives. Therefore, it is normal for them to have inconsistent conclusions. Differences in views are often due to differences in the information you have been exposed to. They provide an example of when a friend comments on how tired you are. Instead of perceiving this as an insult, consider how your friend is looking out for your health and well-being.
They care for you. Finally, you need to stop blaming others. Adopting this approach will allow you to come to an understanding. Controlling our feelings and emotions during a difficult conversation is harder than it sounds.
Our emotions are often uncontrollable. We also suppress our true feelings when we feel embarrassed or hurt. The learning conversation can help us address our feelings by acknowledging the importance of expressed and unexpressed emotions. However, this conversation requires specific skills. Firstly, you must address your own emotions during difficult conversations. Consider why you react the way you do within certain situations.
0コメント